Getting worse

Had a shocker of a weekend. In short, have been let down or left behind by a lot of people, for all different reasons. The worst of it was a visit to hospital at 1am until 8am when a friend stupidly got hit by a car and fucked up his foot. I got abused, hit, spat on and generally had a horrible time, only for him to not appreciate it the next day and go drinking all that day and night. So I pretty much wasted my time making sure he was ok...

I was too exhausted on Saturday to go a friend's 21st, as well as go out after that (as I'd promised) to see some friends I haven't seen in ages. So I stayed at home on Saturday night, went to bed early (10am) and caught up on some sleep.

It literally amazes me how many things have gone wrong for me this year, in all aspects of my life - personal, family, work, friends. In varying scales.

And today, mum comes in and tells me that Dad's gotten a lot worse suddenly - he's lost strength in his arms, and he's worried about going to New Zealand. They leave in a little over a day.

I'm even closer to breaking point.

I've tried to be so strong, but it doesn't seem to matter. Stuff just keeps on happening, and I can't control it. I can't stop it. I can do amazingly nice things for people (like fucking go to hospital with them in the wee early hours of the morning in the scariest hospital in Sydney) and it all goes back in my face.

I don't know if I can take much more.

Any more really. I just don't get it. I'm such a good friend - I'm loyal, forgiving, giving etc.. And hardly anyone cares. This isn't being emo. This, unfortunately, is how it is.

The bottom line is that you only ever count on yourself.

But right now, I can't keep being strong. I just can't. It's too much.